I finally hit rock bottom, everything in my life had officially fallen apart. Why you might ask?
1. My mother has been dead for quite sometime.
2. Elias is almost dead in the hospital and it's all my fault.
3. My relationship with everyone is mangeled no one trusts me, no one.
Or at least that's how I felt. It wasn't until everything fell apart that I could grasp how to make things better. I was so depressed I nearly committed suicide. Thankfully, Elias' father saved me from ending my life and showed me how to make a new life. He revieled to me how to truely accept the situations around me, the people in my life, and even myself.
When I allowed myself to be open and let someone in made a tramendice difference in my life.
No longer was I depressed. Of course I still miss my mother everyday, but I forgive myself and my father. I realized that it was no one's fault it's just the way things went. I remember my mother for the beautiful woman that she was, and not for the cancer that took her life.
Elias recovered, and now things are well with him and his family as well as with our friendship. He is the best person who has ever entered my life. His close relationship with his father inspires me to create one with my own father. If I had never sunk to the bottom I do not know if I ever would have figured out a way to get back up. This chapter of my life has truely revieled the meaning of acceptance.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Update
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, so I thought I'd fill all my followers in on my busy life. As it turns out Elias and I have become really good friends. Oh Yeah! Those bullies haven't bothered either of us, because I threatened one off with a knife. I do not tolerate bullying and I sure as hell will not allow myself to look weak to those morons.
Not all of my relationships are going well though, my father and I had a MASSIVE fight last night. He wanted the truth so I told it straight. I told him how I know he never really loved mom, what kind of loving husband just gives up on his wife. Personally, I think he wanted her to die. Ridiculous!
He unleashed some of his anger on me because he doesn't, "Approve" of my behaviour/attitude lately. What ever though, it's bull crap. If he doesn't care.. why should I? As much as he claims he cares, I don't trust him and sure as hell don't believe him.
To be honest, I wish it was my father who was ill and died
not my mother.
Not all of my relationships are going well though, my father and I had a MASSIVE fight last night. He wanted the truth so I told it straight. I told him how I know he never really loved mom, what kind of loving husband just gives up on his wife. Personally, I think he wanted her to die. Ridiculous!
He unleashed some of his anger on me because he doesn't, "Approve" of my behaviour/attitude lately. What ever though, it's bull crap. If he doesn't care.. why should I? As much as he claims he cares, I don't trust him and sure as hell don't believe him.
To be honest, I wish it was my father who was ill and died
not my mother.
Pet Peeve
Today was a brutal start to this, "New Chapter". First thing I saw as I walked on the school property was a bunch of these guys (who think they are cool), just picking on an innocent kid. They were calling him, "Rat Boy" and pushing him around. I can honestly say that my biggest pet peeve is bullying, and the worst part was the kid who was getting pushed around wasn't even standing up himself. He just took the harrassment as if it were just another day to him, as I'm sure it was.
Well, I couldn't stand to watch this disgusting behaviour much longer, so I decided since no one else was man enough to step up to these guys,.. I would. After some thought, I felt it would be best to wait till the first break. I knew the bullying would continue then because the insecure jerks that they are, probably can't get enough of it. Sure enough, they did continue with the harrasment. Finally it was the perfect time to intervene, and I did just that. I told them to buzz off and leave this kid Elias alone. I could tell they were thrown off guard when someone had finally stood up for this kid, because they responded by curiosity as to why I am sticking up for him. Then they tried to gain the power back, by threatening me with my social status (as if I care). There is one thing for certain though, I will never allow myself to look weak in their eyes.
Finally, it was the end of what seemed to be the longest school day ever. I was walking by the bike rack when I noticed Elias' bike tires were flattened. I was currious as to why he allows this kind of behaviour toward him, and I did my best to encourage him to flatten their tires as well. The gang of bullies took notice as to what we were doing and marched their way over to where we were. One of the bullies was dribbiling a ball making while shouting out all sorts of threats. I wouldn't stand for it, so he whaled his basketball at my face.
After that I was extreemly pissed off, so I wasn't very willing to talk to anyone. Elias tried to talk to me after the incident but I was in no friendly mood, and I brushed him off. On the way home from school my dad obviously noticed the huge black mark around my pusy eye ball, and he tried to talk to me about it and he had a hunch there was some sort of fight. I told him a lie, because I really do not feel like telling him the honest truth when he never tells me it.
As far as those bullies go, they've got it coming to them.
Well, I couldn't stand to watch this disgusting behaviour much longer, so I decided since no one else was man enough to step up to these guys,.. I would. After some thought, I felt it would be best to wait till the first break. I knew the bullying would continue then because the insecure jerks that they are, probably can't get enough of it. Sure enough, they did continue with the harrasment. Finally it was the perfect time to intervene, and I did just that. I told them to buzz off and leave this kid Elias alone. I could tell they were thrown off guard when someone had finally stood up for this kid, because they responded by curiosity as to why I am sticking up for him. Then they tried to gain the power back, by threatening me with my social status (as if I care). There is one thing for certain though, I will never allow myself to look weak in their eyes.
Finally, it was the end of what seemed to be the longest school day ever. I was walking by the bike rack when I noticed Elias' bike tires were flattened. I was currious as to why he allows this kind of behaviour toward him, and I did my best to encourage him to flatten their tires as well. The gang of bullies took notice as to what we were doing and marched their way over to where we were. One of the bullies was dribbiling a ball making while shouting out all sorts of threats. I wouldn't stand for it, so he whaled his basketball at my face.
After that I was extreemly pissed off, so I wasn't very willing to talk to anyone. Elias tried to talk to me after the incident but I was in no friendly mood, and I brushed him off. On the way home from school my dad obviously noticed the huge black mark around my pusy eye ball, and he tried to talk to me about it and he had a hunch there was some sort of fight. I told him a lie, because I really do not feel like telling him the honest truth when he never tells me it.
As far as those bullies go, they've got it coming to them.
The New Chapter
It was 7:00AM, when I woke up to what I wish was just a nightmare. Lately the nightmares I have had aren't even as bad as reality. Grandmother tries to convince me that, "It is a new day my dear." as if that is supposed to make everything better. After pressing snooze on my alarm a couple times, and lying in my bed reminicing for a while.. eventually I managed to roll myself out of bed. I gathered my thoughts of mother and put them in the back of my mind, so I could be mentally present and physically prepared for my first day at a new school. My father and grandmother gave me a pep talk before exciting the door of my old former life, into the new chapter of what they call, "Acceptance."
This should make an interesting day..
This should make an interesting day..
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Funeral
September 5, 2011
Should I start this blog out with a question, or should I say what's on my mind?
Words do not make a difference anyways because if I say; "I wish my mother was still alive." those words aren't going to bring her back. Oh, and if I ask, "Why did she have to die, why,. Why her?" it is not like anyone will be able to give me a straight answer. Nothing I say can change what has happened, so no question I ask will bring reason. Therefore, I will just remain silent just as she has been silenced forever. She held my hand yet slipped so far away, to the point where I couldn't even pull her back. No, death had a grip of her that it was not willing to release. As she drew her final breaths, I counted them all till there were no more, finally just silence.
Now here as I stand, holding my mothers cold dead hand. I felt a warm tear fall from my face, and held the others inside. We all take for granted every minute of our day, little do we know death comes just like a game of Duck Duck Goose. You will be surprised with the next one it will choose. Our hearts continually beat, but no one knows for how long. Not one human can be sure when their time here on earth is going to end. Death does not care if you are married, it is not concerned with how old or young you might be, and it sure doe not mind leaving loved ones behind.
Now my dear mother is buried beneith the ground, along with the past. I hope and pray there is a heaven where she can be free from the illnesses that weighed her down, and stole her years. It is ridiculous, how my father could have helped her get better, but it is almost as if he had wanted her to go. What a fool! She was the most beautiful woman on this planet, and he hardly even tried. In front of her casket I stand, ugh,. If only this was just a nightmare I could wake up from and all would be well in my world again.
Slowly her casket is lowered into the hole, and inch by inch, my heart sinks within. Sobs from the crowd surround me, but all I could hear and feel was sweet empty nothings. Time passed, and eventually the people began to scatter. As my father and I stood there alone, he stroked my shoulder and told me it was our time to go.
I shuffled my feet to our vehicle, and as we drove away I stared out the back window watching the grave yard grow smaller and smaller as the distance grew larger.
I have always been told to forget the past and move forward. Behind my bitterness, I begin to vaguely see what is in store for tomorrow. When I wake up it will be all fresh starts. A new home, school, and lifestyle without my dearest mother.
To the greatest mother that has ever existed, I love you so much and will never stop missing you.
Perhaps you would still be around if we lived In a better World.
Should I start this blog out with a question, or should I say what's on my mind?
Words do not make a difference anyways because if I say; "I wish my mother was still alive." those words aren't going to bring her back. Oh, and if I ask, "Why did she have to die, why,. Why her?" it is not like anyone will be able to give me a straight answer. Nothing I say can change what has happened, so no question I ask will bring reason. Therefore, I will just remain silent just as she has been silenced forever. She held my hand yet slipped so far away, to the point where I couldn't even pull her back. No, death had a grip of her that it was not willing to release. As she drew her final breaths, I counted them all till there were no more, finally just silence.
Now here as I stand, holding my mothers cold dead hand. I felt a warm tear fall from my face, and held the others inside. We all take for granted every minute of our day, little do we know death comes just like a game of Duck Duck Goose. You will be surprised with the next one it will choose. Our hearts continually beat, but no one knows for how long. Not one human can be sure when their time here on earth is going to end. Death does not care if you are married, it is not concerned with how old or young you might be, and it sure doe not mind leaving loved ones behind.
Now my dear mother is buried beneith the ground, along with the past. I hope and pray there is a heaven where she can be free from the illnesses that weighed her down, and stole her years. It is ridiculous, how my father could have helped her get better, but it is almost as if he had wanted her to go. What a fool! She was the most beautiful woman on this planet, and he hardly even tried. In front of her casket I stand, ugh,. If only this was just a nightmare I could wake up from and all would be well in my world again.
Slowly her casket is lowered into the hole, and inch by inch, my heart sinks within. Sobs from the crowd surround me, but all I could hear and feel was sweet empty nothings. Time passed, and eventually the people began to scatter. As my father and I stood there alone, he stroked my shoulder and told me it was our time to go.
I shuffled my feet to our vehicle, and as we drove away I stared out the back window watching the grave yard grow smaller and smaller as the distance grew larger.
I have always been told to forget the past and move forward. Behind my bitterness, I begin to vaguely see what is in store for tomorrow. When I wake up it will be all fresh starts. A new home, school, and lifestyle without my dearest mother.
To the greatest mother that has ever existed, I love you so much and will never stop missing you.
Perhaps you would still be around if we lived In a better World.
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